Annie

It is a beautiful autumn day. I am walking city streets, the warm sunshine tickling my cheeks. Thoughts of her invade my consciousness like bolts of electricity, without warning. Appropriate, as she was very lively. Kinetic.

I try my damnedest to will them away, just like every other time she decides to invade my thoughts. Especially on a day like today, when I am moaning and groaning to myself. Always just to myself. Aloud is not allowed. For then I may have to admit how selfish and ungrateful I am.

I wonder to myself what she would do in this particular life circumstance which I currently and begrudgingly reside. I don't contemplate it long because I know. She would do anything to be in my situation. Anything at all. She would grab this opportunity up and make the absolute best of it, for it beats the alternative. It is hands-down better than where she lies now. Her grave.

She and I share so many similarities. So much of our lives and stories are the same. Accomplishments, defeats, experiences. She has three beautiful babies, same as me. For all intents and purposes, she is me and I her. Except I am here, trudging the road of my existence and she does not and will not have this "opportunity" with which I have been blessed. This scares me. It also shocks me into some awareness that maybe, just maybe, I can do as she would and Just. Effin'. Do. It.

If for no other reason or motivation, and my life is full of them--people who are more precious to me than they will ever know--today I do it for her. Just for her. Because she would happily do it if she were able, and somehow her lack of choice in the matter is now my passion.

It has been said that some people have to die so that others of us may live. That is less than the salve needed to repair a soul in grief, I think. Though today it may be a fitting life lesson. Taught by her, as only she could. She helps me in death just as she did in life.

Today, I will not complain. Not even to myself. It is a luxury she does not have, so it is one I will not allow.

Just for today.

Idea(l)s

Skink and I were at a local park recently, playing in the breeze and the sunshine. It was so sunshiny as a matter of fact, I had stripped him of his pants and he toddled around in the warm spring air wearing nothing but a onesie.

As we were about to leave I noticed two little girls playing by the park entrance. They were having a blast, laughing and completely carefree. As we approached them, one of the girls came running up to me:

I'm Kesha and I'm four and I give great hugs.

Me: I'll take a hug. ::she wraps her little arms around my legs:: You do give great hugs!

How come your baby don't have no draws (drawers) on?

I was amused and refreshed at the end of our all-too-brief encounter. With her honest introduction and polite yet assertive extroversion, I found her delightful.

I wonder how my own life might be enriched if I tried doing things Kesha's way for even a day. Honest, politely assertive extroversion. A challenge to remove myself from my own world and electronic devices long enough to get to know and try to understand those around me. I realize she has age on her side. She is free of the scars of fear and disappointment. I hope she stays that way.

I am continually amazed how much I take for granted the relationships in my life in which exists the comfort of understanding. You know, that silent empathy and deep knowledge of one another.

This one ingredient I so highly value seems to be my motive for taking liberties that I should not. Knowing someway somehow our friendship can will withstand almost anything. Making the kinship life-proof, it is that intimate connection with one another that endures lapses in time, events, and circumstances. That we-seem-to-pick-up-right-where-we-left-off feeling.

I value these people in my life immensely, and the very quality that sustains these relationships seems to be the paradoxical reason I do not relentlessly express my gratitude for them.

I find that oddly reassuring.

I hope that I am able to increase my understanding of others in my life rather than taking advantage of theirs'. I'll just add it to the ever-growing list of things I need to work on.

You understand, of course.