Ah-ha!

Shhhh . . . . . hear that?  If you listen very carefully, you can hear my light bulb flickering on; shedding light on how I got in the grips of the funk.

Did you know that it is completely normal to long for adult interaction and a life outside of the confines of motherhood?  You did!?!  Well why the hell didn't you tell me?

Awareness is a wonderful thing, and I have received a whole heap in the last two days.  I am self-aware to a fault. I can analyze myself to death.  If I've learned anything in my adult life, it's that most of my problems start and end with me.  That said, I honestly didn't see this coming.  

I have had a pretty rough go of it since I quit work over a year ago to pursue higher education in a career I adore.  There's something ingrained in me that tells me I'm useless unless I'm gainfully employed (thanks, Dad!).  I remember anxiously awaiting Riley's arrival and relaying to my husband that I was ready for the baby to get here so I could feel as though I had a purpose, because school didn't do it for me.  Surely being a new Mommy again would make me feel useful, right?  That should have been red flag number one.  Yeah, missed it.

There was a happiness study recently conducted among women that showed that women are more in love with idea of motherhood than motherhood itself.  I had a fantasy in my head and numerous expectations of how fulfilled I would be caring for a baby.  There are many, many joys to becoming a parent, don't get me wrong, but it is not my sole purpose in life.  It is perfectly okay to seek fulfillment from other sources.  Who knew?  That just doesn't align itself with my fantasy and fell short of my unreasonable expectations.  Thus me beating myself up and feeling completely guilty that caring for my baby isn't "enough" to fulfill me.  I honestly thought there was something very wrong with me for wanting anything other than my sweet, happy, adorable baby 24/7. 

I have been a Mom for over half my life--I am 35 years old.  Yikes.  Becoming a Mom at an early age has its pros and cons.  Being self-aware, I can spout off numerous mistakes I made with my oldest two children.  Some of them due to being young, naive, inexperienced, and just plain stupid at times.  After all, I had fifteen years to study my errors--that's how long it's been since my middle child was born.  When I found out I was pregnant last June, I promised myself I would not make the same mistakes with Riley.  I was not going to carry the burden of regret this time around.  At least not regret for the same mistakes.  I have set this poor child up to be my purpose, my sunshine, and my redemption.  Bless.  His.  Heart.  And mine.  However unknowingly, I brought this on myself.  There is a physiological component to this debacle too, but I can see where I set myself up for a meltdown.

Although it's still blurry, a picture of me outside of Mommy is coming into focus.  I have some idea of where to start in restoring some balance in my life.  To get me back.  Three days ago I was clueless with a solution nowhere in sight. 

Blessed awareness.  It is only in the light of awareness that I am truly humble, teachable, and ever-willing to explore new ideas. 

Good enough, for now.