If there is such a place, I qualify. I have qualified long before now.
The latest reason? A word I have dreaded since my youngest was born: daycare.
I cannot continue this post without saying that stay-at-home moms rock. Shitty diapers, teaching, feeding, blessed naps, baths, temper tantrums at just the ideal times--the list is endless. Not to mention the isolation. All of that on top of managing and running a household: cleaning, cooking, shopping. Amazing.
I was ecstatic at the idea of staying home with Skinky, as I did not have the opportunity with Morgan or Chuck. I have long known that whatever fiber women possess to do all of that and be completely happy and fulfilled I do not have. It has been just recently that I have accepted it.
Truth is, it damn-near killed me. Literally.
So his father and I have been mulling over the decision to put him in daycare. My husband has been hounded and nagged. We must find some consistent childcare. It simply has to happen. I can't keep doing this! And it does have to happen. For many reasons. The most pressing being my effin' sanity.
Countless hours of research, talking to other moms, phone calls, more phone calls, appointments, and tours have led to Riley's full-time enrollment at a daycare. He starts Wednesday. Ugh.
With all of my bitchin', I should be excited. Relieved even, right? Wrong. Somehow all this means is that I have failed and I am just throwing my child away to be looked after by strangers. My goodness, I have been moping around acting as if I am sending him to juvie. I feel selfish and inadequate for "not havin' what it takes".
Riley could use some socialization and I know it will all work out. It will, right?
I sure hope so. I am having to draw off others' experience here. They all tell me it gets better.
Furthering my insanity is not an option, so I must take this leap of faith. 'Cause after all, if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy; this I know to be true.
Y'all say a lil' prayer for me Wednesday mornin'. Oh my.
Showing posts with label insanity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insanity. Show all posts
Monday, September 10, 2012
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Circadian Dysrhythmia
SLEEP IS SACRED. Period.
It has always been no less than a religious, precious commodity to me. My bed is my sanctuary. I have a sleep machine, sun-blocking curtains in my bedroom, and a fan. Ahhhh, a sanctuary indeed.
My haven of rest has become a source of anything but spiritual restoration as of late, as I have had quite unspiritual thoughts about what I am going to do to my spouse if he doesn't SHUT THE HELL UP WITH THAT SNORING! Half of my thoughts have not only been unspiritual, but some of them illegal. The man could wake the dead with all the noise he makes while sleeping.
"It's not like I do it on purpose. I can't help the fact that I snore!" And I can't help the fact that I can't sleep next to a damn buzz saw, now can I? It's probably a Mommy thing, but I am a light sleeper. Hence my wanting a bedtime divorce. Lastnight as I tried to calm myself from my rage and drift off to sleep, I fantasized of having a house big enough that he could have his own bedroom. On the opposite end of the house from mine. With soundproof walls.
It's true, he can't help it, and I know he doesn't do it intentionally. He knows he snores. He knows it keeps me up. Yet there's nothing done about it. Yes, he's tried strips and sprays. He even went to an ENT to have an eval after the sleep apnea test was negative. After months of me telling him, "There is something anatomically and structurally wrong with you. Normal people don't sound like that when sleeping." I was right. And after a surgery that has a 50/50 chance of working, it may reduce his snoring issue. If the odds were a little better, I would have suggested it a long time ago. Even if I had to turn tricks to finance it.
He works. At his job and here. I know he's tired and it's not exactly fair to expect him to sleep on the couch night after night. But, he does have the annoying ability to fall asleep anytime, anywhere. I do not. So, it makes sense for him to sleep elsewhere, right? To my sleep-deprived brain, it makes perfect sense.
It makes even more sense after I rise from a fitful night of attempting to sleep and my beloved looks at me with this shit-eating grin and asks me how I slept. I can see why women end up on death row after serving their spouses a drink with a splash of cyanide. Sleep he will.
In the meantime, I'm headin' to Starbucks to get a quad latte and research whether temporary insanity secondary to sleep deprivation will hold up in court.
It has always been no less than a religious, precious commodity to me. My bed is my sanctuary. I have a sleep machine, sun-blocking curtains in my bedroom, and a fan. Ahhhh, a sanctuary indeed.
My haven of rest has become a source of anything but spiritual restoration as of late, as I have had quite unspiritual thoughts about what I am going to do to my spouse if he doesn't SHUT THE HELL UP WITH THAT SNORING! Half of my thoughts have not only been unspiritual, but some of them illegal. The man could wake the dead with all the noise he makes while sleeping.
"It's not like I do it on purpose. I can't help the fact that I snore!" And I can't help the fact that I can't sleep next to a damn buzz saw, now can I? It's probably a Mommy thing, but I am a light sleeper. Hence my wanting a bedtime divorce. Lastnight as I tried to calm myself from my rage and drift off to sleep, I fantasized of having a house big enough that he could have his own bedroom. On the opposite end of the house from mine. With soundproof walls.
It's true, he can't help it, and I know he doesn't do it intentionally. He knows he snores. He knows it keeps me up. Yet there's nothing done about it. Yes, he's tried strips and sprays. He even went to an ENT to have an eval after the sleep apnea test was negative. After months of me telling him, "There is something anatomically and structurally wrong with you. Normal people don't sound like that when sleeping." I was right. And after a surgery that has a 50/50 chance of working, it may reduce his snoring issue. If the odds were a little better, I would have suggested it a long time ago. Even if I had to turn tricks to finance it.
He works. At his job and here. I know he's tired and it's not exactly fair to expect him to sleep on the couch night after night. But, he does have the annoying ability to fall asleep anytime, anywhere. I do not. So, it makes sense for him to sleep elsewhere, right? To my sleep-deprived brain, it makes perfect sense.
It makes even more sense after I rise from a fitful night of attempting to sleep and my beloved looks at me with this shit-eating grin and asks me how I slept. I can see why women end up on death row after serving their spouses a drink with a splash of cyanide. Sleep he will.
In the meantime, I'm headin' to Starbucks to get a quad latte and research whether temporary insanity secondary to sleep deprivation will hold up in court.
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